Religious Pre-premarital Counseling in an Open Society

By Rabbi Allen S. Maller

A few years ago, when Cardinal Ruini, the head of all Italian bishops,  warned Italian Catholics about marriage with  Muslims , some  politically correct  people said it was a Catholic overreaction to Muslim political extremism.  In reality , Cardinal Ruini was only giving young people some good advice, by saying that in addition to the problems any couple faces setting up a family, Catholics marrying Muslims have to reckon with extra difficulties arising from deep cultural as well as religious differences. To a Rabbi who has worked with couples in mixed marriage situations for over 40 years, Cardinal Ruini’s warning was simply a wise caution.

Teenage  marriages have a divorce rate double the rate of those married in their 20’s. Should a religious educator try to influence teenagers against early marriage? I think so! Should a youth worker who hears about a couple age 18 or 19 planning to get married  urge them, or encourage others to urge them, to stretch out their engagement and delay their marriage date? Again I think so! Should a priest, minister, imam or rabbi urge them to enroll in a pre-marriage counseling class? Definitely!

Mixed religion marriages also have a high divorce rate. Disagrement over raising   children is the number one issue. If a couple is of mixed religious background should a priest, rabbi, minister or imam insist that they reach a clear understanding on the issue of the children’s religious identity prior to marriage? Should religious educators try to influence teens and pre-teens to avoid dating people of a different religion, because dating leads to marriage and mixed marriages have so many extra difficulties involved that the chance of divorce is substantially higher? Many people who answered affirmatively to the questions in the first paragraph will be ambivalent about those just raised because we live in an open society that believes that love conquers all.

When a young couple is in love, they do not want to hear of poten­tial difficulties in their relationship and most rabbis, priests, imams and ministers do not want to be seen as negative. Yet we do have a duty to inform people of the facts of married life; and urge them to try to do something about the issues that will arise in a mixed marriage, even if it is late in the game.

Of course, the best time to make people aware of these unnecessary difficulties is before they are in love”, better yet before they first start dating. We have a duty to reduce the incidence of divorce if we can. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure! The best time to educate against smoking is before kids start smoking. The best time to educate in favor of selective dating is before kids start dating. Love does not overcome all obstacles! People planning marriage should be challenged to face the facts. Kids should be informed of the difficulties before they get involved.

What are the facts? It has long been known that Catholic/Protestant and Jewish/Christian couples have a well above average divorce rate. A study of over 3,000 non-Hispanic white, first time marriages that occurred in the 1960’s, 70’s and 80’s, reported in the August 1993 issue of Demography, found that “First five year dissolution probabilities” increased by 55% for Jews who marry out and by 80% for Catholics who marry out. Similar increases were reported for both Liberal and Fundamentalist Protestants. Extra high divorce rates for religiously mixed couples have been well known to sociologists and marriage counselors for several decades. However, the new research found that for all religious groups, conversion no matter which way it went, reduced the extra-high divorce rate substantially. A national survey of American Catholics in 1999 found that 29% of Catholics have or had a non-Catholic spouse. The divorce rate for the mixed marriages was 22% compared to 10% for marriages of two Catholics, an increase of 120%. However, this cloud has a silver lining. While Catholics who marry non- Catholics have a divorce rate of 22%, Catholics who have a spouse that converts had a divorce rate of only14%, a 1/3 reduction of the chances of divorce. The same reduction (or more) in divorce rates probably takes place for Jews and Muslims.

Alas, most mixed couples do not try, or do not succeed, in unifying their family religiously, and thus do not reduce their extra-high probability of divorce. Jews and Muslims are the least likely to convert to the other spouse’s religion, less than 4% do. Catholics and Protestants are more likely to convert or to influence their partners to convert. Unfortunately, in the last few decades the percentage of Catholic-Protestant couples that unify their religious identity has declined substantially. The 1999 study of American Catholics found that almost half of the generation of Catholics who married out in the 40’s and 50’s unified their families. In the 60’s and 70’s only a little over a third did, and in the 80’s and 90’s only a little over a fifth did. Thus, one of the most important contributions that an Imam, Priest, Minister, Rabbi or religious educator can make to a couple who are planning a mixed marriage is to stress the importance of religious agreement. Delaying their marriage plans for a year or two is much better than a quick marriage and a quick divorce.

How to raise their children is the most important decision facing a religiously mixed couple planing a marriage. Some couples frankly admit that they do not intend to give their children any religious education or spiritual direction. Most people do not find this solution to be acceptable since usually one or both of the parents believe that it is important for children to believe in God and have a religious identity.

Exposing the children to both religions sounds better to most people. It sounds more liberal, evenhanded and even spiritually richer, but it risks really confusing the children. Catholics and Protestants both believe in the Divinity of Jesus. Jews and Muslims do not. Marriages between Christians and Jews or Muslims are much more problematical than marriages between different denominations of Christians. Since Christianity teaches that Jesus is the Son of God while Judaism and Islam deny Divinity to Jesus, the children will be caught between two contradictory beliefs.

Although some couples do try hard to give their children a good Jewish education and also a good Christian education and a true experience of both religions, very few actually go through with it. After a few years they sink to the lowest common denominator; celebrating Hanukkah plus Christmas, and visiting the grandparents for Easter and Passover. To be honest, a few superficial practices engaged in a couple of times a year will hardly be spiritually enriching for anyone. In effect, these couples are not doing both: they are really doing neither. They usually don’t like to admit this, because it sounds like they are depriving their children of any real religious identity. For parents to admit they do nothing is to admit that belief in God and a positive religious identity for their children is unimportant to them. Nevertheless, the both/neither option is the most popular one in Jewish/Christian marriages. It should not be surprising therefore that the most popular religious category for the children of Jewish/Christian marriages is “none”.

I analyzed a nationwide study of college freshmen conducted by UCLA for the American Council on Education. More than 290,000 college freshmen were surveyed. Of them, 3661 were children from mixed Jewish/non Jewish marriages. 41% of the children of Protestants married to Jews, and 32% of the children of Catholics married to Jews claimed no religious identity. This is not surprising, for as I stated before, most couples who plan to do both, end  up doing neither. However, I was surprised to find that from 7% to 18% of the children of these mixed marriages reject both parents’ religion, and have identified with another religion. Thus, 9.6% of the offspring of a Roman Catholic mother and a Jewish father identify as Protestant, Moron, Jehovah Witness, Buddhist or some other religion and 17.9% of the offspring of a Catholic father and a Jewish mother also identify with these other religions. The figures for Protestants married to Jews are similar but somewhat lower.

There is a reasonable explanation for the children’s rejection of both parents’ religion. Most mixed-couples that decide to raise the children as both/neither also say they will let the children decide which way to go when they are old enough. But such a decision is not based on an academic study of theology. Inevitably it means identifying with one parent’s religious heritage, and rejecting the other parent’s. Even if the parents say that whatever the child chooses is acceptable, most children feel uncomfortable in preferring the religious identity of one parent and rejecting the other. Many react by avoiding any decision, and thus have no religious identity. Some who are probably angrier, react by rejecting both parents equally, and select a third alternative for themselves. It is really unfair for parents to ask for a child to make such a decision, when they themselves have been unable to decide between the two of them, what the best course would be.

Although it is initially harder, it is better in the long run for the parents to decide themselves how their children should be raised. The children of course will know that their parents have different religions, but they will be told that their parents have decided that they should be one or the other. Thus the parents accept the responsibility for the choice, and the children do not have to struggle with the choice or be caught in between competing loyalties. Unfortunately, the number of parents who say they will do both has been increasing in the last two decades. Again it is important to urge people to really think through the consequences of a mixed marriage and its effect on the religious identity of the children.

These are some of the problems facing a religiously mixed couple seeking to marry and raise a family. They can not always be solved (that’s why the divorce rate more than doubles) but the only hope a couple has is to face the issues and decide to accept their responsibility for making the hard and sometimes sacrificial decisions that are called for. It may not be pleasant for a couple, their parents or clergy to confront these issues, but they cannot be resolved by denying them. If teachers of religion influence even a small percentage of their students to avoid all these problems by selective dating they may be able to save many couples from divorce and many children from marginal or conflicted religious identities. This would be one of the most important lessons they will ever teach.

There are some people who smoke and get away with it. There are some couples who seem to have no problems as a result of their mixed marriage. But in most cases these few exceptions only prove the rule. Everybody thinks they can beat the odds; that’s why so many people gamble. Very few people actually beat the odds,; that’s why they have so many giant hotels in Las Vegas. Teaching young people that marriage and children are too important to gamble with should be our goal.

Rabbi Maller’s web site is: rabbimaller.com