Marriage
Dr Ahmed Adam
Marriage
is for keeps. Yet, one often hears of a couple who have decided to divorce or
separate from each other for some or other reason. Some people divorce within a
few month’s of marriage, while others divorce after a few years. Yet, there
are other marriages that last forever . Why do some marriages succeed and why do
some marriages fail? Why are some marriages filled with happiness and
contentment while other marriages seem to be like a ticking time bomb? Are there
any secrets to successful marriages or is getting married like one big lucky
packet – some people are lucky , while some people are not so lucky. In the
USA , 67% of first marriages end up in divorce , thus creating a money-making
opportunity for divorce lawyers , who are just too happy to divorce couples.
Furthermore , because of the upsurge in divorce , many couples prefer to remain
single or instead prefer to ‘live together’ to experiment if they are
suitable for one another , before ‘taking the plunge.”
What is the right thing to do ? Fortunately , for Muslims , clear
guidance comes from the Quran and the Sunnah .The principles contained in the
Quran and the Sunnah are universal principles that are applicable
to the whole of humanity . If married couples apply
these principles to their marriage , then Insha-Allah , there would be less
broken homes throughout the world. This brief article, looks at the institution
of marriage , and how we , both
those who are already married , and especially those contemplating
marriage , should conduct ourselves so that we
can lead a life of reasonable
contentment and happiness with our partner , and also ,
so that we do not fall victim to the scourge of divorce.
In
Islam , there is no such thing as “living together’. Getting married is one
of the Sunnahs of our beloved Prophet Mohamed (SAW) . This is particularly
important for the late teens and early twenties , when youngsters hormones are
at their peak. If a person cannot find a suitable mate immediately , he/she
should not be hasty and give up all attempts . Furthermore , nor should he /she
commit acts that are forbidden .
Surah Nur : S24 V33 : Let those who find not the wherewithal for marriage keep themselves chaste, until Allah gives them means out of His Grace.
Marriage is the only contract which allows for cohabitation of a man and a woman as stated in the following Hadith :
Sahih
Al Bukhari Hadith 3.882
Narrated by Uqba bin Amir (RA)
Allah’s
Apostle (SAW) said , “ From amoung all the conditions which you have to
fulfill, the conditions which make it legal for you to have sexual relations (ie
the marriage contract) have the greatest right to be fulfilled.”
Islam
gives clear guidance : marriage is the only institution that allows for
cohabitation of couples. Everything else is either fornication or adultery ,
both of which are not allowed in Islam.
WHO
TO MARRY ?
For
the unmarried boy or girl who is contemplating getting married , this is a time
of uncertainty and confusion. Who is the right person ? How do I find the right
person ? What if I make a mistake ? Buying a car is much easier – if you
don’t like it you change it . But a partner in marriage is a lifetime
commitment . Friends and family give conflicting information. Every boy looks
for his “Miss right” and every girl looks for her “Mr. Right.” In
selecting our life partner, some people use
the media , TV and Cinema to dictate the
choices they make as to how our
ideal husband or wife should look like – we look for the “Hollywood” or
“Bollywood” image . If we use
these sources to find our ideal partner, we are often disappointed because the
illusion is far removed from reality.
Usually,
one of the first things that attract two people together is the external
physical characteristics. However, many people confuse this
initial physical attraction as “love” and fall headlong into oblivion. Young
girls fight with their parents that the fellow is “absolutely cute’ and this
is the man of her dreams, while the young boy insists that this is his dream
girl and he will not be able to live without her. When boys and girls are ‘in
heat”, the parents try and give suggestions , advice , counseling and appeals
, but to no avail. The marriage goes ahead and sometimes leads to problems.
Youngsters should remember that parents love you and want you to
be happy. Parents are there to guide you and give you advice.
Think about this advice from your mother , father or family and don’t just
reject it . When you are happy , your parents are happy . When you are unhappy ,
your parents are unhappy. Even though they may seem ‘old-fashioned” , they
have the wisdom of years . Your parents “old fashioned” advice and
suggestions will only make sense one day , when you yourself
are a parent. Mothers know their daughters like a book and intuitively
know which boy will be a suitable match , and it is therefore important to
involve the parents and guardians when selecting a partner :
Sunan
of Abu-Dawood Hadith 2090
Narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar (RA)
The
Prophet (SAW) said : “ Consult women
about (the marriage of ) their daughters.”
Sunan of Abu-Dawood
Hadith 2080 Narrated
by Abu Musa (RA)
The Prophet (SAW) said : “ There is no marriage without the permission of a guardian.”
However
, even though the consent and advice of parents is very important ,
parents must not make the error of waiting too long for the
“right person.” Many people reject good proposals with the hope that maybe
the next proposal will be “better.” However , if
a good proposal comes , take advantage of the opportunity ,
because there is no guarantee that another opportunity will come nor is there
any guarantee that the next proposal will be ‘better’ :
Al-
Tirmidhi Hadith 3090
Narrated by Abu Huraira (RA)
Allah’s
Messenger (SAW) said, “ When someone with whose religion and character you are
satisfied asks your daughter in marriage , accede to his request…”
A
great emphasis has been laid on the “religion and character” of the boy. On
the other hand , some parents force their children into marriages
that the children do not want . Many boys and girls have been forced into
relationships in which they were not given a choice. This also is not a
recommended route to follow . The permission of the girl (and boy)
must be obtained :
Sahih
Al-Bukhari
Hadith 9.79
Narrated by Aisha (RA)
I asked the Prophet (SAW) , “ O Allah’s Apostle ! Should the women be asked for their consent to their marriage ? He said , “Yes.” I said , “ A virgin , if asked , feels shy and keeps quiet.” He said, “ Her silence means her consent.”
Consent
is applicable to both boys and girls.
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith
7.67
Narrated by Abu Huraira (RA)
The Prophet (SAW) said, “ A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her ; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission.”
Marriage is a life-long commitment . You have to know who you are getting married to. Arranged marriages where the boy and girl do not even get a chance to see each other are not recommended :
Al-Tirmidhi
Hadith 3107 Narrated by Al-Mughirah
ibn Shu’bah(RA)
I
asked a woman in marriage and Allah’s Messenger (SAW) asked me whether I had
looked at her. When I replied that I had not , he (SAW) said,“ Then
look at her, for it is better that there should be love between you.”
In
essence therefore , the selection of a suitable life partner should be done in consultation with
all relevant parties so that there is mutual consultation and harmony in the
decision , thus increasing the chances of selecting the suitable mate ,for this
very important , life decision. When looking for a wife , the following 4
criteria are usually considered important by the prospective suitor ,
(1)
Wealth and/or (2) Family status and/or (3) Beauty and/or (4) Religion
Sahih
Bukhari Hadith 7.27 Narrated by Abu Huraira (RA)
The
Prophet (SAW) said , “ a woman is married for four things ie her wealth , her
family status , her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious
woman (otherwise you will be a loser).
Some
boys marry only for wealth and ignore the other criteria. Some marry only for
beauty and ignore the family background and piety. When you marry someone , you
are not marrying an individual , you are marrying a whole family. This was one
of the methods that the Prophet (SAW) effectively used , to strengthen the
bonds between different tribes. A marriage builds bridges
between two families. So, family background is also important. However , the
most important criteria , and the very first criteria , should revolve around
the piety of the woman. The woman that you will marry will be the future
mother of your children. How will she bring up your family ? What family
, religious and moral values will she instill in your children ? A righteous
women is the key to the successful upbringing of children
according to Islamic value systems. A righteous woman is an asset to
her husband and her family because she ensures that the light of religion shines
brightly in the house. She encourages her husband and children to
conduct their affairs according to religious values so that the house is then
filled with Baraka. The first university of knowledge and moral upbringing is
the lap of the mother . A righteous woman not only raises her children with
kindness and love , but also looks after the property of her husband as stated
in the following Hadith :
Sahih
Bukhari Hadith 7.19
Narrated by Abu Huraira (RA)
The Prophet (SAW) said, “ The best women are the riders of the camels and the righteous among the women of Quraish. They are the kindest women to their children in their childhood and the more careful women of the property of their husbands.”
These
thoughts are usually far removed from the youngster when he contemplates
marriage , and that is why the Prophet (SAW) reminds us of the important
criteria that one should look for in a marriage partner – marriage is not a
100m sprint – marriage is a long marathon. The same advice is
also applicable to girls when they are looking for a prospective husband : piety
and character are the first requirements. Marriage is like bondage . Young girls
should therefore think carefully about who they would like to share their life
with – piety and good character give very good guidelines for the right
partner. Wealth ,beauty or family
background are added bonuses. Furthermore ,
believers should only marry believers :
Surah Baqarah S2 V221 : Do not marry unbelieving women (idolators), until they believe ; …. Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe;
Furthermore
, to ensure that the Religious values are held high and that there is common
understanding between the husband and wife , the following commands are
given :
Surah
Nur S24 V3
: Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry any but a woman similarly
guilty , or an unbeliever ; nor let any but such a man or an unbeliever marry
such a woman : to the Believers such a thing is forbidden
Surah Nur :S24 V26 : Women impure are for men impure ,and men impure for women impure ; and women of purity are for men of purity , and men of purity are for women of purity.
The
piety of the woman is thus very important when selecting a life
partner. The family background and status , will also give clues as to how the
girl (or boy) have been brought up and raised and what type of family values
have been instilled in them. If a girl is poor and not very attractive
physically , but she is religiously inclined , then this is better for you and
for your future children in the long run. If a girl is pious and attractive ,
then this is an added bonus. However , beauty is in the eye of the
beholder and each person radiates their own inner beauty . To every
mother , her son is a ‘handsome prince” and her daughter is a ‘beautiful
princess.” The inner beauty of piety and kindness is the most
important beauty that must be sought.
Finally
, the interference in the bond between a betrothed couple is not allowed. In
some cases , when a boy sees that 2 people are engaged , he starts interfering
and causes confusion in the mind of the girl , so that she breaks her engagement
. This practice is not morally acceptable :
Sahih Bukhari
Hadith 7.73
Narrated by Ibn Umar (RA)
The
Prophet (SAW) decreed that …a man
should not ask for the hand of a girl who is already engaged to his Muslim
brother , unless the first suitor gives her up , or allows him to ask for her
hand.
Happiness
is a state of mind. No one who is contemplating marriage , decides to get
married for hardship. Every person who desires marriage , does it so that his or
her life will be filled with more happiness and love. The only thing that a girl
wants, is to be happy with her husband . The only thing that a boy wants, is to
be happy with his wife. If happiness is the ultimate aim for everyone , how do
we at least ensure that our married lives will have some level of happiness and
harmony ?The best advice in this regard , is as follows :
When
looking for a suitable partner , keep both eyes and ears wide open.
That is , do your homework properly , so as to avoid regrets later. However ,
once you are married , you have to close one eye and close one ear
: meaning that you will have to overlook some
of the things that your married partner is doing. Before
marriage , your partner appears to be the perfect choice. However ,there is no
such thing as a ‘perfect partner.” You will only get to truly understand a
person when you share your life with another person 24 hours a day , 7 days a
week , through sickness and in health , for richer or poorer. There will
definitely be certain things about you that your partner does not
like and certain things about your partner that you don’t like
–these will only become evident with time. Don’t get disappointed when you
start noticing these differences . You can discuss with each other about the way
these differences bother you and you can encourage your partner to change.
However , the only way to live in peace and harmony is to turn a blind eye to
some things and turn a deaf ear to other things ; mutual tolerance
is the key to a successful marriage.
Once you have received a ‘yes’ answer and both families have agreed on the wedding date, the young bridal couple are on “Cloud 9.” They keep floating on this cloud until a few weeks or a few months after the wedding. Then the bubble bursts and the itch begins.
For
the time being however, the bride and her groom are only concerned about the Big
Wedding Day. Nothing else matter’s. Everything must be perfect for the special
day and months of preparation go into making this day a success. {Many couples
spend a lot of time preparing for the wedding day, but have no
idea what to expect from a marriage and enter married life totally unprepared
for what is expected from them.} The Wedding is a very happy occasion. It is a
public display that shows that the family and community are supportive of the
new union. A celebration of the wedding by means of a feast is encouraged in
Islam :
Sahih
Bukhari Hadith 7.10 Narrated by Anas bin Malik (RA)
The
Prophet (SAW) said ,” Offer a banquet , even with one sheep.”
The offering of a wedding feast is therefore a blessing . However ,in Islam , moderation is encouraged , while extravagance is discouraged. If Allah (SWT) has Blessed you with wealth then spending on your dependants is encouraged without transgressing undue limits.
Surah
Bani Israel S17 V26
: …squander not (your wealth) in the manner of a spendthrift. Verily
spendthrifts are brothers of the Evil ones.
Unfortunately, some people borrow money or bond their homes in order to offer a very lavish feast for their children. However , the above Hadith clearly indicates that even “one sheep” is sufficient . Everyone must spend within their means. A lavish wedding does not mean that the marriage will automatically be successful. Unfortunately, many wives and daughters put tremendous pressure on their husbands and fathers to host a very lavish function because otherwise they will not be able to ‘face the community ” – a certain standard has been set and everyone tries to keep to that “standard”. Or sometimes, the husband is manipulated into spending more than he can afford because this is his ‘last gift’ that he will be giving his daughter . However, many people have realized that keeping up with your neighbours or ‘maintaining your image” is a waste of time and money. More and more people are spending within their means; furthermore , even people who have lots of money are hosting very simple weddings and using the saved money as an investment or gift for the young couple . It would be better to have a simple wedding and use the savings to send the young couple for Hajj or to start them off on a new business. Each family however, ultimately decides what is the best for them. The main point is that the wedding itself should not become a burden on the couple or their families:
Al-
Tirmidhi Hadith 3097
Narrated by Aisha (RA)
The
Prophet (SAW) said, “ The marriage which produces most blessing is that which
involves least burden.”
Furthermore, the wedding itself is a public event . It is a celebration for the community that 2 individuals have committed themselves to each other and Insha-Allah, they will be blessed with children who will contribute to the growth of Islam and thus ensure its perpetuity.
Sunan
of Abu Dawood Hadith
2125 narrated by Abu Huraira (RA)
When
the Prophet (SAW) congratulated a man on his marriage , he said: ”May Allah
bless for you , and may He bless on you , and combine both of you in good
(works).”
This public display of happiness is thus encouraged and the invited guests are thus encouraged to participate and share in this happy occasion by attending the function:
Sahih
Bukhari Hadith 7.102
Narrated by Abdullah bin Umar (RA)
Allah’s Apostle (SAW) said , “ If anyone of you is invited to a wedding banquet, he must go for it (accept the invitation).
Furthermore,
some form of amusement (obviously within acceptable guidelines)
to keep the guests entertained , is permissible on this happy
& auspicious occasion :
Sahih Bukhari
Hadith 7.92 A Narrated by
Aisha (RA)
..that
she prepared a lady for a man from the Ansar as his bride and the Prophet (SAW)
said, “ O ‘Aisha ! have’nt you got any amusement (during the marriage
ceremony ) as the Ansar like amusement ?”
However , for a wedding to have Baraka , it is important not to host a function where only the “rich and famous” are invited :
Sahih
Bukhari Hadith 7.106
Narrated by Abu Huraira (RA)
The worst food is that of a wedding banquet to which only the rich are invited while the poor are not invited.”
If
space or limited seating is sometimes a problem , then the solution would be to
at least cook a little extra
and distribute the food to the poor and needy.
The Wedding day marks a very important milestone in the life of the couple. It signifies the end of your single life and it signifies the beginning of a new life for you : it is now a life as a couple , a life of family responsibility . Some people make this transition with adjustments and cope with their new responsibilities and find that their married life brings more joy and happiness than when they were single. Other people however , have difficulty making this adjustment and this gives rise to the seeds of discontent which surface later. It is ironic and sad , that a wedding day , where so much happiness and joy was displayed , does not continue in that same spirit . For some couples, their dreams of “living happily ever after “ are soon shattered. No one wants to experience the pain, bitterness and heartache that goes into a marriage that is sitting on a time bomb – daily ticking away. What happened to the ‘prince”; what happened to the ‘princess”? The days before the marriage, the boy and girl day-dreamed and romanticized about spending their whole life together in total bliss , “till death do us part.” The wife seems to have changed. The husband seems to have changed. What went wrong? In fact, neither the wife nor the husband has changed. The illusion of a fairy tale wedding has disappeared and reality has appeared.
Many unhappy couples stay together for the sake of the children. Other couples separate because of irreconcilable differences and decide to divorce. However , divorce is an act that should be left as a last resource only when other options are not available. Divorce is not only a traumatic time for the husband and wife , but also for the two families , and most importantly , it is traumatic for the children. Marriage is therefore a serious business. A couple cannot divorce for no reason , nor should they take the act of divorce in a light manner .
Al-Tirmidhi
Hadith 3294 narrated
by Mu’adh ibn Jabal (RA)
Allah’s
Messenger (SAW) said ,”…Allah has created nothing on the face of the earth
more hateful to Him than divorce.”
Sunan
of Abu-Dawood Hadith 2172
narrated by Muharib (RA)
The
Prophet (SAW) said : Allah did not make anything lawful more abominable to Him
than divorce.
Sunan
of Abu-Dawood
Hadith 2218
narrated by Thawban (RA)
The
Prophet (SAW) said : If any woman asks her husband for divorce without some
strong reason, the odour of Paradise
will be forbidden to her.”
The
act of divorce is therefore so reprehensible , that all efforts should be made
to reconcile the couple and to try and ascertain the cause of the problem and
how it can be resolved. Many times, a 3rd party can shed new light on
the matter , which the two disputing parties may not be able to see. The first
option therefore , should be to strive to seek a solution :
Surah Nisaa S4 V35 : If ye fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family, and the other from hers ; if they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation :
In
some instances , for example , in the case of continuous adulterous
relationships or severe wife beating and assault , or habitual gambling and drinking (or drug addiction) by either
husband or wife , or continuous intolerance by either husband or wife , or
continuous fault-finding by either husband or wife , and despite efforts by all parties to resolve the problem,
then divorce may be the only option to consider . In other instances, some
couples are very quick to divorce at the slightest provocation without giving
their marriage a chance to succeed. Couples
should therefore always seek guidance before making a hasty
decision. Such cases must be done in consultation with the learned
Ulema on matters pertaining to the rules of Shariah , because when a divorce is
finalized , then you cannot remarry the same person , unless
certain conditions are fulfilled as stated hereunder :
Sahih
Al- Bukhari
Hadith 7.187 Narrated by
Aisha (RA)
A man divorced his wife thrice (by expressing his decision to divorce her thrice), then she married another man who also divorced her. The Prophet (SAW) was asked if she could legally marry the first husband (or not). The Prophet (SAW) replied , “ No , she cannot marry the first husband unless the second husband consummates his marriage with her , just as the first husband had done.”
The
reason for placing this strict condition
is that couples should think very carefully before divorcing .
If
divorce is not an easy option , then the only solution is to have guidelines
that will lead towards a happy and contented marriage where harmony and
mutual love is the order of the day. Marriage is about commitment.
Marriage is about two people who have to learn to live with each
other as well as with their respective families. The only way to succeed in
doing this is to learn how to get along with people. The Quran and the Sunnah of
the Prophet (SAW) give clear guidelines on how to attain a state of marital
bliss.
(1)
Mutual Tolerance & Acceptance
When
two people get married , they each bring with them their own background of likes
and dislikes , habits and personality differences. Each person has a different
way of looking at the world and has a different solution to common problems.
This is bound to create conflict. However , successful marriages
learn how to deal with these differences . Once you are married , you have to accept
your partner .The idea of marriage is to learn about each others preferences ,
likes and dislikes and to be tolerant of each other. Mutual tolerance
is the key. Without tolerance of each other , there are bound to be on-going
conflicts. The weeks, months and years after your wedding day , is the time to
get to know your partner really well. Intolerance
and stubbornness are recipes for disaster. Marriage is about bonding.
Marriage is about combining two individuals with different backgrounds , into
one unified whole. How is this
possible ? The following analogy will clarify the two roles . There are three
types of couples :
(a)
If both partners are stubborn and intolerant , this is like hitting two pieces
of stones against each other. The stones clash and chips fly off (emotional
scars). There is no bonding in this type of marriage. In this
marriage , there is a power play – a constant tug-of-war
(b)
If one partner is stubborn and intolerant , and the other one is soft , then
this leads to abuse. It is like pressing a stone into clay. The clay is soft, it
gives , but the stone is hard , it only takes. This is a selfish
relationship – it is one sided. In this scenario , a husband may be a control
freak and becomes totally obsessive
and abusive to his wife . This is an autocratic relationship where the wife is
not treated as an equal partner .In another scenario , the wife may be the one
who manipulates her husband to get what she desires. The husband
may not realize that he is being manipulated by his sweet talking wife , because
she knows his weaknesses and focuses on them.
( C) The best relationship is when both partners give and take , with mutual love , tolerance , acceptance and understanding. This is like taking two pieces of clay and pressing them against each other – you get a wavy line of give and take. This forms a complete union. This is what marriage is all about.
The
harmonious union of give and take does not come automatically. It requires effort
on the part of both husband and wife . It requires overlooking of
faults . It requires total acceptance of your partner ,
even though there may be some areas which you think may be
weaknesses. These weaknesses may in fact be strengths and Blessings from
Allah (SWT) :
Surah
Baqara S2 V216
:…it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye
love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth and ye know not.
(2)
Appreciate and understand your partner
Understanding
your partner is a crucial element in cementing the bonds of love between a newly
married couple. In-law problems , personality clashes , minor irritations ,
business problems and other problems can be a source of much unhappiness and
conflicts. Unfortunately , many happy relationships turn sour when
the husband and the wife allow the stresses of daily living to
affect their relationship . For example , the husband may have problems at work
or the traffic was bad and he comes home in a bad mood and takes out his
frustration on the poor wife who was patiently waiting for him the whole day. Or
, alternatively , the wife takes
out her frustration of the day on her poor unsuspecting husband and he cannot
understand why she is behaving like this. Arguments and fighting are usual and
are sometimes considered as a healthy outlet for pent up emotions. However , the
underlying causes of on-going battles have to be assessed and
managed so that eventually the dust settles (this can sometimes take a few
years) until peace , harmony and mutual tolerance is the norm. Husbands need to
take the wise counsel of the Holy Prophet (SAW) when he urged the men to take
care of the women :
Sahih
Bukhari Hadith 7.114
narrated by Abu Huraira (RA)
The
Prophet (SAW) said, “.. I advise you to take care of the women , for they are
created from a rib and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part ;
if you try to straighten it , it will break , and if you leave it , it will
remain crooked , so I urge you to take care of the women.”
Many
men cannot understand the thinking and behaviour of some women. This serves as a
source of much irritation and disputes. A man cannot force his wife to do things
against her will . Just as a rib cannot function properly if it is forced and
made straight , so too is a wife affected if she is forced to do things against
her nature. A rib only functions properly when it is bent. Similarly, a women
only functions properly when she is encouraged to be a woman. A woman cannot be
a man. Unfortunately , some men are impatient with the various moods of their
wife , and lash out with verbal and physical abuse. However , both
men and women have to learn how to control their anger. It is not
easy, but it is an essential ingredient for harmonious interpersonal
relationships :
Sahih
Bukhari Hadith 8.135 Narrated
by Abu Huraira (RA)
Allah’s Apostle (SAW) said , “ The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength , but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger.”
Men who physically or emotionally abuse their wife at the slightest provocation, are cowards and only delude themselves that they are strong. In fact, they have a low self -esteem of themselves and no self respect. They are bullies. Men have been created physically stronger than women, not to abuse them, but to protect them :
Surah Nisaa S4 V34 : Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means.
Furthermore
, verbal abuse is just as bad , if not worse , than physical abuse. Instead of
continuous verbal abuse , both men and women should learn to use words that
communicate love and kindness . Verbal abuse is a bad habit that must be
changed. Many women have a very sharp tongue that arouses the anger of the man.
Women must take care that they do not become nagging wives with sour tongues. A
woman must support her husband and give him courage – she should not
criticize, nag , complain or demoralize him . She should do things that please
the husband as stated in the following Hadith :
Sunan
of Abu Dawood Hadith 1660
Narrated by Abdullah Ibn Abbas (RA)
Allah’s Apostle (SAW) said :” Let me inform you about the best a man hoards : it is a virtuous woman who pleases him when he looks at her , obeys him when he gives her a command , and guards his interest when he is away from her.”
Both
men & women must learn to control the tongue. The tongue can be a blessing
or a curse – depending on how it is used.
Surah Baqara S2 V263 : Kind words and covering of faults are better than charity followed by injury.
Focus
on the good qualities of each other. Don’t keep bringing up past
mistakes . Forget the faults that your partner has made – no one is
perfect ; we all make mistakes. But if we keep irritating the other
person about his / her past mistakes , then we are perpetually living in the
past and there is no hope for a happy future . The future is a product of today
.
Wives
should express appreciation for everything that the husband is doing for her
and the family instead of nagging all the time. Similarly , husbands
should express appreciation for everything that the wife is doing for the family
and not ignore the valuable contribution she is making. These acknowledgements
are important – don’t take your partner for granted.
(3)
Solve problems with mutual understanding
The
following are examples of a few problems that typically occur. However , the
principles of discussion , mutual understanding and consultation can also be
applied to other problems in general to achieve win-win outcomes :
(a)
Mother – in – law problems
The
new bride who comes into the house should be given all the support
, love & care that she needs. She has left the comfort of her parents home
and is now starting a totally new life . This is not easy. This
takes adjustment . This takes lots of patience from the new family. The in-laws
should treat the new daughter in law as if she is their own daughter.
How will they like their own daughter to be treated? Treat others as you
would like to be treated :
Sahih
Bukhari Hadith 1.12
narrated by Anas (RA)
The Prophet (SAW) said,” None of you will have faith till he wishes for his (Muslim) brother what he likes for himself
However
, on the other hand , some daughter-in-laws put a lot of pressure on the
husbands regarding ‘problems ‘ with his mother. Instead of discussing these
problems in a mature way , small petty problems are made into big issues –
making mountains out of molehills. The poor fellow is caught between his mother
and his wife . He loves them both. How can he choose? The wife has to understand
that it is the Islamic duty of the son to look after his parents. Furthermore ,
it is also his Islamic Duty to look after his wife . He cannot
choose one or the other . He has to find solutions that will satisfy both
parties , and this will require a lot of mutual tolerance ,understanding,
maturity and lots of communication.
Unfortunately, there are some women who do
not appreciate the efforts of their husband and their new family
, and they give the
erroneous impression that they are enduring
many hardships. These are usually women who have entered married life not
knowing what to expect and cannot handle the responsibilities of running a home
and raising children. They spread all sorts of
rumours regarding their living conditions and falsify the truth to earn
sympathy from their friends and family. Allah (SWT) clearly warns against this
type of behaviour as follows:
Surah
Baqara S2 V42
: …and cover not truth with falsehood,
Surah Hujurat S49 V6 : O ye who believe ! If a wicked person comes to you with any news, ascertain the truth, lest ye harm people unwittingly, and afterwards become full of repentance for what ye have done
Surah Hujurat S49 V12 : O ye who believe ! Avoid suspicion as much (as possible)
Surah Zariyat S51 V10
: Woe to the falsehood mongers,-
It
is the duty of parents to raise their children in such a manner that they learn
take up responsibility. Parents must raise their daughters to look after their
husband and accept his family as her own. Parents must raise their sons to look
after their wife and accept her family as his own. Finally, if the young married
couple are happy and minding their own business, then the parents and in-laws
should avoid interfering in their life , since this can lead to unnecessary
conflict in some cases.
(B)Birth
of children
Some
fathers have an obsession about boys. The obsession with boys
is further compounded by the mother –in-law who gives regular hints to
the daughter-in-law that she will be “very pleased” with a boy
grandchild. The poor girl is terrified if she gives birth to a girl. She is put
under a lot of unnecessary pressure . However, the choice of a boy or a girl is
not the decision of the mother . Allah (SWT) Decides :
Surah
Al-Imran S3 V6
: He it is Who shapes you in the wombs as He pleases
.
Surah Shura S42 V49 : He bestows (children) male or female according to His Will (and plan).
Some
couples forget that the birth of a healthy child ,whether it is a
boy or a girl , is a very rewarding gift from Allah (SWT) that we take for
granted :
Surah Mu’minun S23 V78 : It is He Who has created for you (the faculties of ) hearing, sight, feeling and understanding : little thanks it is ye give !
(C
) Money problems
Surah Saba S34 V36 : Say : “ Verily my Lord enlarges and restricts the Provision to whom He pleases, but most men understand not.”
It
is the duty of men to work and provide for the family. However , no matter how
studious his endeavours are , his sustenance is ultimately determined by Allah
(SWT). This does not mean that he must sit back and do nothing. He must work to
the best of his ability. Unfortunately, some wives place unnecessary hardships
on their husbands to keep earning more money so that they can acquire the
material glittering of this world. This can be a source of ongoing conflict
unless the husband has chosen a righteous wife who endeavours to look after the
property of her husband and is thankful and grateful for whatever
the husband provides. A
dutiful wife not only looks after her husbands property , but also gives charity
from it , so that the whole family can benefit . A dutiful wife does not
squander her husbands money , but protects it. A dutiful wife
shows gratitude to her husband and thereby achieves harmony in the house and
also thereby earns the pleasure of Allah (SWT) :
Allah’s Apostle (SAW) said , “ O women ! Give alms , for I have seen that the majority of the dwellers of Hell-Fire were you (women).” The women asked , “ O Allah’s Apostle ! What is the reason for it ?” . He replied , “ O women ! You curse frequently , and are ungrateful to your husbands.”
In
essence therefore , the above few examples illustrate that problems are a part
of any marriage. There is no marriage which does not have problems. It depends
on how you deal with those problems. Dealing with problems requires patience and
forgiveness. If a person is not patient and forgiving , then solutions will not
be forthcoming . Furthermore , both partners have to learn to be mutually
patient and forgiving and not only expect the one partner to be patient and
forgiving all the time . One is not born to be patient and
forgiving . One has to learn this technique and apply it , and
Insha-Allah , the efforts in disciplining oneself will bear fruits as stated as
follows :
Surah
Shura S42 V43
: ..but indeed if any show patience and forgive , that would truly be an
exercise of courageous will and resolution in the conduct of affairs.
(4)
Have fun with your partner
An
essential ingredient for a happy marriage is to allocate some of your time
especially with your partner . This means to find activities that are fun,
joyous or special that you can enjoy with each other . These experiences should
form the basis for good memories that you will treasure. Examples could be
picnics , a stroll in a shopping center , jogging or exercising together ,
crossword puzzles , reading a good book , cooking together ,going for a drive ,
sitting by the fireplace or any other activities that you can share
with your partner. We can learn from the Glorious
Example of the Holy Prophet (SAW) from the following Ahadith :
Sunan
of Abu-Dawood
Hadith 2572 Narrated by
Aisha (RA)
While she was on a journey along with the Apostle of Allah (SAW) : I had a race with him (the Prophet SAW) and I outstripped him on my feet. When I became fleshy , (again) I had a race with him (the Prophet SAW) and he outstripped me. He said : This is for that outstripping.
And
,
Sahih
Bukhari Hadith 9.439
narrated by Aisha (RA)
This
big copper vessel used to be put for me and Allah’s Apostle and we would take
water from it together (on taking a bath).
The
above two examples show the importance of sharing activities that will increase
the bond between couples. Furthermore , it is also important to remember , that
this bond also applies to areas relating to intimacy. A common example is oral
hygiene. Good oral hygiene is essential for intimacy . Unfortunately , some
people ignore the benefits (both health and social) of good oral hygiene. For
example , smokers forget that cigarette smoke contains many toxins and
ingredients that are harmful to the body. Besides the damage to the organs , the
breath smells offensive, but the chronic smoker (especially the cigar smoker) is
not aware of this because his nose
is conditioned to the smell. Some foods also lead to odious breath and it is
because of this that the Holy Prophet (SAW) laid great emphasis on oral hygiene
:
Sahih Bukhari
Hadith 9.346
Narrated by Abu Huraira (RA)
Allah’s Apostle (SAW) said : “ were I not afraid that it would be hard on my followers , I would order them to use the siwak (as obligatory for cleaning the teeth ).
(5)
Nurture your fondness and admiration
Relationships
that are in trouble as well as new relationships , require that each partner
should respect the other and find ways and means to develop and
nourish the bonds of fondness . You have to compliment your partner on things
that you admire or what he /she has done . Furthermore , fondness means treating
everyone with gentleness and not
harshness .
Sunan
of Abu Dawood
Hadith 4790 Narrated by
Aisha (RA)
She said : The Apostle of Allah (SAW)…. said to me : Aisha ! Show gentleness , for if gentleness is found in anything it beautifies it and when it is taken out from anything it damages it.
Thinking only good things about your partner develops fondness. There may well be areas that you dislike , but if you want to develop strong bonds of affection , then you have to focus on the good qualities. This is not always possible , but attempts should be made. Furthermore , it also helps to call each other by good pet-names that you can use to show your affection . In the following hadith , the Prophet (SAW) called his wife Aisha (RA) by the beautiful affectionate name of “Little Rosy one”
Al-Tirmidhi
Hadith 3007
Narrated by Aisha (RA)
Aisha
(RA) asked Allah’s Messenger
(SAW) what the thing was which it was unlawful to refuse and he replied that it
was water , salt and fire. She said, “Messenger of Allah , we know about water
, but what is the significance of salt and fire ? He replied, “ Little
rosy one, he
who gives fire is as though he had given Sadaqah of all that the fire
cooked….”
Every relationship is based on effective communication. Your words and actions will determine if your communication is a moment of separation or a moment of joining. Sweet words bond people together , while sour words separate people from each other .Gentleness , kindness and courtesy result in moments of bonding and joining – it brings the couple closer together. Harshness , anger ,pettiness and intolerance develops walls and barriers between the couple. Your partner needs your support and is hungry for your support. Each wife has an invisible sign on her forehead which states “handle with care.” Similarly , each husband has an invisible sign on his forehead which states “handle with care.” Husbands and wives are there to mutually shelter each other and support one another. When you have a problem you confide in your partner and your partner will give you advice . Clothes shelter you from the harsh winter and the burning sun. Similarly ,husbands provide comfort and shelter for their wives , and wives provide shelter and comfort for their husbands just as clothes provide comfort and shelter :
It
is therefore important to support and protect your partner and give them comfort
- build bridges instead of barriers. Strengthen the bonds
of love and friendship :
Surah A’raf S7 V189 : It is He who created you from a single person , and made his mate of like nature , in order that he might dwell with her (in love).
(6)
Gratitude
Journal
Every relationship has the good times and the bad times. It is ironic that we only remember or recall the good times with fondness when a person is dead. Then it is too late. Whenever your marriage has problems or if your marriage is saturated and reaches a stage of boredom, recall the good times and inject some romance back into your marriage. Go through your family photo albums (or talk about the “good old days”) and recall all the good times that you had. Recall the happy days , the days of courting , the wedding day , births and special occasions. Then start writing in a little book , called a ‘gratitude journal” in which you write all the happy moments in your life and why you are so lucky to have your partner , your children, your religion, your community, your parents , etc. When you look around you and see the hardships and difficulties that other people are faced with , then you realize how fortunate you are and the only thing you can do is give thanks to Allah (SWT). The next time you are feeling that your relationship is not what it used to be , open this gratitude journal and rejuvenate your relationship. Often , we take things for granted and forget how much Allah (SWT) has blessed us :
Surah Ebrahim S14 V34 : And He giveth you of all that ye ask for. But if you count the favours of Allah, never will ye be able to number them. Verily, man is given up to injustice and ingratitude.
(7)
Cherish your parents
Your
parents only want what is good for you. Youngsters get married , have children
and then they themselves become parents and grandparents , and so the cycle of
life goes on. When you have children of your own , your only desire is for their
safety & happiness and success
in this world and in the Hereafter. If your son or daughter marries a believer ,
you at least have the assurance that your grandchildren will be exposed to Islam
and Islam will thus continue in your family. If your daughter marries an
unbeliever , then your grandchildren will possibly also become unbelievers
(because they will follow in the footsteps of their father) , and Islam will be
lost in the future generations. It is not easy for any parent to give away their
daughter after raising them since birth. It is a painful and traumatic event.
Children should therefore cherish and respect their parents :
Surah Luqman S31 V14 : And we have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents : in travail upon travail did his mother bear him.
If
you have been neglectful of your parents , or thought that they are ‘old
fashioned” , then the only time that you will truly appreciate their wisdom is
when you have children of your own , and you spend sleepless nights in worry and
in prayer :
Surah Furqan S25 V74 : …” Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous.”
A
happy marriage therefore also requires the support of the family . Parents and
parents –in-law should be treated with the utmost respect and regard for each
other. This is a bond and unification of two families who have united together
because of a boy and a girl. When the two families are closely bonded together ,
then the chances of success for the marriage are increased. If there are any
problems , then the families can intervene in a friendly manner to solve the
problems with kindness, understanding and respect.
The romantic ideal of fairy tales where the boy and girl meet , get married and live happily ever after , is an illusion. This false romantic illusion is the cause of much unhappiness that couples are faced with. Happy marriages are possible . Happy marriages are everywhere, but they require hard work and effort from both the husband and the wife. It is never too late to make a fresh start . If your relationship goes through a difficult time or if the relationship is not what you expected it to be , remember that dark stormy clouds are always followed by sunshine. You have to take responsibility for your marriage and you have to make on-going efforts , patiently persevering in improving your marriage , slowly but surely , step – by –step. In the same way that you have to maintain your car or your house , you have to keep maintaining and looking after your marriage. It is only through ongoing adjustments and changes and ongoing improvements , that the ‘ideal’ marriage is reached. Furthermore , all marriages , no matter how solid , still have on-going little spats , arguments and irritations . These are simply irritating “mosquitoes” of marriage . They are part of life and have to be accepted. These little mosquitoes of marriage are the daily irritations over minor matters and they do not affect the harmony of a marriage that has matured with time and has crystallized into a solid rock that can withstand the vicissitudes of life. Rock-solid marriages develop with the realization that you cannot change others – you have to change yourself. Once you start to change yourself , then you have overcome the greatest obstacle to a happy and successful relationship . Furthermore , you should strive to attain happiness and you should strive to change emotions which are a hindrance to a happy marriage. Even if you do not succeed , but as long as you sincerely try in your efforts , you will be rewarded, Insha-Allah :
Surah Ahzab S33 V5 :….(what counts is ) the intention of your hearts : and Allah is Oft-returning , Most Merciful
A
happy and contented marriage is the responsibility we owe to our children. No
child wants to be brought up in a broken home . A child looks to his parents as
role models . Furthermore it is the responsibility
of parents to raise their children in
the Path of Islam and to guide them :
Sahih
Bukhari Hadith 9.252
Narrated by Abdullah bin Umar (RA)
Allah’s
Apostle (SAW) said :” .. a man is the guardian of his family (household) and
is responsible for his subjects ; a woman is the guardian of her husband’s
home and of his children and is responsible for them…”
May
Allah (SWT) Guide us and our children to the Straight Path. May Allah (SWT) ,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful, Oft- Forgiving , forgive us our sins and our
shortcomings . May Allah (SWT) , Guide our children to righteous partners that
are inclined to the Path of Islam
and who will bring joy ,
contentment and love in their life. May our children be Blessed with healthy
offspring , also inclined to the Path of Islam. May our children’s lives be
filled with happiness , peace and contentment and may Allah (SWT) not place on
them any burden greater than they can bear. May our children be immune to the
temptations of this world and may they find solace in the Quran and the Sunnah
of the Prophet (SAW). May Allah (SWT) Shower His Choicest Blessings on the Holy
Prophet Mohamed (SAW). May we learn
from the glorious example of the Holy Prophet Mohamed (SAW) how to live in peace
, harmony , love and kindness with our partners and our
fellow humans. The Holy Prophet Mohamed (SAW)
displayed a superb mastery
of human behaviour and interpersonal skills which no other leader , past ,
present or future , can ever match. May we succeed in our
endeavours to have successful relationships and marriages and may our endeavours
bear the fruits of true and
everlasting love :
Al-Tirmidhi
Hadith 3093
Narrated by Abdullah ibn Abbas (RA)
Allah’s
Messenger (SAW) said, “ You have seen nothing like marriage for increasing the
love of two people.”
Ameen.
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