Sex and our Muslim Youth
Dr Ahmed Adam
The topic of sex has universal appeal. Sex
is portrayed daily in various forms , directly or indirectly, in
newspapers, magazines, cinemas, and in conversations between people . The
topic of sex conjures images of sexuality
, promiscuity , lewdness, adultery , fornication , pornography , rape ,teenage
pregnancies, paedophilia , gays , sexually transmitted diseases, contraceptives,
abortions and HIV/AIDS. Yet somehow , despite the fact that ‘everyone’ is
influenced by this topic , it seems that most parents find this topic somewhat
‘delicate’ to discuss with their children. Children of today seem to be
maturing at a faster rate than a generation ago and often ask intelligent
questions to their parents. Some parents do their level best to satisfy the
natural curiosity of their children . Other parents simply don’t know how to
handle these ‘fast – growing “ kids and often assume that the less said about the subject of sex ,the
better. In some homes the word ‘sex’ is taboo and children are often
reprimanded for asking innocent questions. Parents assume
that children will ‘grow up” and in any case ‘they will learn” or
that the school or friends are ‘responsible’ for sharing this knowledge. The
reality is that parents who have this view, are overlooking a major and
significant source of correct information regarding this topic ie themselves!
Our children have the right to be given an unbiased view on sex based on the
Holy Quran as well as the Sunnah of the Prophet Mohamed (SAW) . The Western
media is very powerful and often the main driver is money rather than values
based on sound moral principles which have their roots in religion. This essay
deals with this topic in an objective manner to throw some light on this issue
and thereby , perhaps give some confused teenagers a clearer perspective of the
choices that they can make. This essay is aimed primarily at teenagers . I am
not a moralist nor a moulana. My intention is not to be judgemental on any
individual , group or society but to simply give my opinion on this topic from
an Islamic point of view. Any errors are my own and I seek the Forgiveness of
Allah (SWT) for any errors contained in this article.
SEX EDUCATION
Studies have shown that the average teenager and
pre-teen , receive their sex education from the following sources
in order of priority :
FRIENDS |
TV & MOVIES |
PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES |
OTHER MAGAZINES & NEWSPAPERS |
BOOKS |
SCHOOL |
INTERNET |
PARENTS |
With aggressive and sustained marketing, society
comes to accept “abnormal” activities as ‘normal’; 10 years ago , what
was considered ‘abnormal’ , ‘unthinkable ‘, ‘abhorrent ‘, “immoral
“and “ shameful” is today considered “fashionable” , “normal” and
“modern” .A typical example is, that after watching a few episodes of
any prime-time soap opera on TV , one would get the impression that
adultery is acceptable and normal ; pre-marital sex is in ‘fashion’ and that
deceit , trickery , lying and manipulation are essential to “get” your man
or woman no matter what the cost or hurt that others suffer in the process.
Furthermore , the printed and visual media create the impression that marriage
is old fashioned , live-in relationships and cohabitation are in vogue , being
gay is fashionable , homosexuality , bestiality , escort clubs (prostitution)
are all “normal”. We have reached a stage (through effective marketing)
where certain individuals in society justify everything on their right to
freedom of expression . If this is
really ‘freedom” . then why do we see so many examples of the following
scenarios :
(1)
young adults are being infected with the HIV virus at an alarming rate ;
South Africa has one of the fastest rate of growth in the number of infected
people worldwide ; HIV/AIDS has reached epidemic proportions in this country .
The age group that is mainly targeted is the teenagers and young adults
(2)
a devout mother , loyal to her husband , suddenly develops a sexually
transmitted disease (such as syphillis , gonorrhoea or Herpes or even HIV/ AIDS)
; how did this happen ? STD’s has reached epidemic proportions in the USA
where 40 million people are infected with some form of STD
(3)
Teenage pregnancy is on the increase ; girls as young as 11 are falling
pregnant ie a child is pregnant with a child; many teenagers are having
abortions which lead to emotional, physical and mental side effects
(4)
Girls as young as 10-12 are having unprotected sex with devastating
consequences ; when questioned , these young children say : “ no one told me
that it is wrong ‘
(5)
Wonderful homes breaks up and end in divorce because the husband (or
wife ) was having an adulterous relationship; the main victims in this scenario
are the children
(6)
Females between the ages of
2 and 80 are being raped
(7)
Homosexuality is on the increases ;these acts of sodomy that were once considered an abomination
against humanity , are now considered “normal” to the extent that gay
marriages are being allowed in some parts of the world.
(8)
More and more relationships end up in hurt, depression , unhappiness ,
conflicts and regret
The above examples show that the issue of
‘sexual liberation” has in fact enslaved the very people that it attempts to
free .The sexual liberators are being enslaved in the chains of disease ,
depression , divorce , dissatisfaction, double-standards, deceit and discontent.
Individuals, organizations and governments are actively searching for solutions
to halt this tide of immorality and its associated truckload of problems. Recent
research has shown that 2/3rd of the schools in USA are now
promoting the idea of “no sex before marriage”
and that “safe sex” is not “use condoms” , but that the only safe
sex is “no sex before marriage “ and only 1 sex partner for life (ie no
adultery). Furthermore , many states in the USA are promoting the idea of having
pride in remaining a virgin until marriage and many students are signing
certificates vowing their commitment to this new “fashion” of abstinence.
How long will this last ? Will we once again undergo a new sexual
revolution ?
The answer to this dilemma and to all
dilemmas facing any society where the fabric of society is under threat from
immorality , alcoholism, drugs, gambling, crime, dishonesty , and materialism
can be found in the Holy Quran which has been sent for all humanity. Its
principles have a universal application for all times. It has been the task of
the Holy Prophet Mohamed (SAW) to give a practical implementation to the
Universal message of the Holy Quran so that anyone that follows the perfect
example of the Holy Prophet (SAW) will be on the Straight Path.
Definitions :
FORNICATION
(ZINNA):
to have sex with anyone while not yet married ; there are 2 types of
fornication :
(a)
an unmarried person who has sex with another unmarried person
(b)
an unmarried person who has sex with a married person ; in this case ,
it is ‘fornication’ for the unmarried person but ‘adultery’ for the
married person.
ADULTERY
: to have sex with a person who is not your legally married partner ; there are
2 types of adultery :
(a)
a married person who has sex with an unmarried person
(b)
a married person who has sex with another married person
MARRIAGE
:
Public proclamation that gives legal, physical
& spiritual license to have sex with your partner
(A) ADULTERY
Would you like adultery for your mother,
wife, sister, daughter , if not , then why perpetuate it or condone it ? There
are several Verses in the Holy Quran and many authentic Ahadith of the Holy
Prophet (SAW) , which give clear Guidance on the choices that we can make.
SURAH
7 VERSE 33 :
“Say : the things that my Lord hath indeed forbidden are : shameful deeds ,
whether open or secret;..”
Surah
17 : Verse 32 : Nor come nigh to adultery : for it is a shameful
(deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils)
(1)
marriage is a sacred relationship between a husband and his wife ; when
either spouse has a sexual relationship outside this relationship , this is
usually done secretly , thus there
is breakdown of trust in the relationship.
(2)
The guilty party may
contract a sexually transmitted disease which can then be transmitted to the
innocent victim.
(3)
The victim is usually the female ;
she has 2 options : either to stay and turn a blind eye to what the father of
her children is doing or she can ask for a divorce ; if the woman does not have
a source of income , she either has to return to her parents and thus be a
burden to them or eke out a living thus raising her children in poverty.
(4)
Children are the innocent victims in divorce : they bear the brunt of
the constant fights between their parents and grow up with emotional &
psychological scars
(B) FORNICATION
In this verse , the sin of fornication is
given its seriousness by being placed in ranking as follows:
Ist major sin : Associating partners with
Allah (SWT)
2nd Major sin : Murder
3rd Major sin : Fornication
The
Prophet (peace be upon him) said: When a man commits fornication, faith
departs from him and there is something like a canvas roof over his head; and
when he quits that action, faith returns to him. (Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith
4673 Narrated by Abu Hurairah)
The Prophet said, "The one who commits
an illegal sexual intercourse is not a believer at the time of committing
illegal sexual intercourse and a thief is not a believer at the time of
committing theft and a drinker of alcoholic drink is not a believer at the time
of drinking. Yet, (the gate of) repentance is open thereafter." (Sahih
Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.801
Narrated by Abu Huraira)
Furthermore
, the punishment is described in the following verse
SURAH
24 VERSE 2 : The woman and the man guilty of adultery or
fornication –flog each of them with a hundred stripes : let not compassion
move you in their case , in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah
and the Last Day.
Furthermore , if the girl becomes pregnant as a
consequence of this pre-marital or extra-marital act , then the child is not
considered a legal heir according to the following Hadith:
The Prophet (SAW) said, "If a man commits
fornication with a free woman or a slave woman the child is the product of
fornication, and neither does he inherit nor may anyone inherit from him."
(Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3054
Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-'As)
(
C) MARRIAGE
SURAH
24 VERSE 33 : Let those who find not the wherewithal for
marriage keep themselves chaste , until Allah gives them means out of His
Grace..”
SURAH
33 VERSE 35 : For Muslim men & women,- for believing men and
women , for devout men and women , for men and women who are patient and
constant , for men and women who humble themselves, for men and women who give
in charity , for men and women who fast, for men and women who guard their
chastity , and for men and women who engage much in Allah’s Praise – for
them has Allah prepared forgiveness and a great reward”
Muslim males and females are enjoined to marry .
There are various guidelines pertaining to selecting a suitable partner in life.
This choice cannot be left to chance. However , if anyone does not have the
means to marry , this dilemma does not entitle anyone to fornicate ; rather they
are enjoined to remain chaste and to patiently persevere and seek help from
Allah (SWT). To guard your chastity is a test from Allah (SWT) and requires a
lot of discipline and will power. However , those individuals who succeed in
avoiding fornication and adultery , “for them has Allah (SWT) prepared
forgiveness and a great reward”. Furthermore , there are clear instructions
for those people who commit fornication and then decide to marry according to
the following Verse:
SURAH
24 VERSE 3 : Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry
any but a woman similarly guilty, or an unbeliever : nor let any but such a man
or an unbeliever marry such a woman : to the believers such a thing is
forbidden.
SURAH
5 VERSE 5 : (Lawful unto you in marriage) are (not only)
chaste women who are believers , but chaste women amoung the People of the Book,
revealed before your time,- when you give them their due dowers , and desire
chastity , not lewdness, nor secret intrigues. “
These verses emphasize the need and pursuit
of sexual purity both before marriage and within marriage and give guidelines as
to the selection of a partner. Sex counselors and Psychologists now confirm the
wisdom behind these verses . A person who has multiple partners is always
comparing the spouse on his/her performance compared to other partners. If an
“experienced” boy marries a virgin wife , he may be unhappy with her
inexperience and may expect (and sometimes demand) more. . This leads to a very
fragile relationship which is bound to flounder. Unfortunately , some boys have
a double standard wherein they feel free to have sex with multiple partners
(before marriage) but insist that their wife must be a virgin.
(D) SEX AND HYGIENE
Islam places a very high emphasis on hygiene
and cleanliness. This requirement , together with sexual purity both before
marriage and during marriage , tremendously minimizes the risks of diseases
associated with the sexual organs. The need and emphasis on cleanliness is
highlighted in the following :
SURAH
5 VERSE 6 : O ye who believe! when ye prepare for prayer wash
your faces and your hands (and arms) to the elbows; rub your heads (with water);
and (wash) your feet to the ankles. If
ye are in a state of ceremonial impurity bathe your whole body.
Abu Hurairah(RA) reported that the Prophet, upon whom be peace, said, "When anyone sits between the four parts of her body and exerts himself (has intercourse), bathing becomes obligatory (for both)." (Related by Ahmad and Muslim.)
Sa'eed
ibn al-Musayyab(RA) reported that Abu Musa al-Ash'ari(RA) said to 'Aishah(RA),
"I would like to ask you something, but I am embarrassed." She said,
"Ask and don't be shy, for I am your mother." He asked about a man who
had intercourse but did not ejaculate. She said, on the authority of the
Prophet(SAW), "If the two circumcised parts encountered each other, ghusl
is obligatory." This hadith is related by Ahmad and Malik
(E)
PROSTITUTION
Prostitution is forbidden in Islam as
indicated in the following Hadith:
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 2304
Narrated by Jabir ibn Abdullah
Musaykah,
a slave-girl of some Ansari, came and said: My master forces me to commit
fornication. Thereupon the following verse was revealed: "But force not
your maids to prostitution (when they desire chastity)."
It
is a very sad reflection on our society that some people are forced into
prostitution due to circumstances which may be beyond their control. The most
wicked and severe form of prostitution is that of enforced child prostitution
either by their parents (very rarely but most abhorrent) , caregivers or
swindlers. Furthermore , studies have shown that there is a very high
correlation between Prostitution and Drugs. Drug dealers usually prey on
unsuspecting teenagers at shopping malls, cinemas, and schools
by offering them free drugs . The unsuspecting teenagers get addicted
and involuntarily become ‘customers for life “ to these drug dealers. The teenagers then resort to begging , stealing and
prostituting to service this habit.. Teenagers should be on the alert for
pimps and drug dealers –nothing in life comes for free – there is always a
catch. Be alert. Furthermore , be very alert to the dangers presented by
Paedophiles , who derive a
perverted sense of pleasure in abusing young children.
(F)
WILL POWER AND DISCIPLINE
Adultery and fornication does not happen
automatically , as indicated in the following Hadith. The mind plays an
important role in the whole scenario. Everyone is constantly bombarded with
visual , auditory and tactile stimuli that are processed in the mind. These
messages can either be controlled or uncontrolled. If the teenager has a low
self esteem and wants to be accepted by his friends , he will give in to
temptation. On the other hand , the teenager who is firm in his faith in
Allah(SWT) and who has a positive and solid self esteem , uses his powers of
will control to harness the temptations into another form of energy .
Sahih Al-Bukhari
Hadith 8.609
Narrated by Ibn Abbas
I
did not see anything so resembling minor sins as what Abu Huraira said from
the Prophet(SAW), who said, "Allah(SWT) has written for the son of Adam
his inevitable share of adultery whether he is aware of it or not: The
adultery of the eye is the looking (at something which is sinful to look at),
and the adultery of the tongue is to utter (what it is unlawful to utter), and
the inner self wishes and longs for (adultery) and the private parts turn that
into reality or refrain from submitting to the temptation."
(G)
PREVALENCE OF ILLEGAL SEX
The Prophet(SAW) said "From among the portents of the Hour is that ……..(open) illegal sexual intercourse will prevail, and men will decrease in number while women will increase . Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.800A Narrated by Anas
This Hadith of the Holy Prophet (SAW) very
accurately describes our current day state of affairs. San Francisco and Sydney
are famous for their open day “Gay Liberation “ celebrations. Nudist
colonies , escort agencies, pornography ,
teenage pregnancies and adultery are so common
that people seem to be fighting a
losing battle against this tidal wave of immorality and have come to accept all
of these activities as the ‘modern generation.” Furthermore , with each
generation , the level and availability of lewdness is increasing ; for example
, pornography is available in our homes on TV and the Internet thus affecting
the mindset of our children from an early age. Homosexuality is gaining support
throughout many parts of the world. Some advocates of the Gay movement are
claiming that they are born gay. This is a ruse to cover their shameful
behaviour. Homosexuality is a lifestyle choice. Allah (SWT) created everything
in pairs , male and female. Anyone who goes against this Plan , will be
answerable to Allah (SWT).
(H)
SUMMARY
(6) when in doubt about
anything , use the Holy Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet (SAW) to give
clarity on any matter
Our children are faced daily with images on TV,
Movies, newspapers , videos, internet , magazines , books , friends etc about
the ‘sexual revolution” . Their young minds are being brainwashed with ideas
that morals , modesty and values are ‘old fashioned “ . If we do not tell
our children about the facts of life and what is acceptable moral behaviour from
a cultural , and more importantly from an Islamic viewpoint , then we should
share the blame with our children if they get
ensnared in the vices of sex, drugs , teenage pregnancy , prostitution , alcohol
& gambling. The methodology should be as follows :
Advise
to a pre-teen daughter :
your body is now undergoing various changes that
will prepare you to be a women. With these changes
comes the responsibility that you will one day be a mother and have
children of your own. Your body will undergo various changes in the size of your
breasts, face , height , weight as well as the onset of a regular flow of
menstrual blood on a regular basis every month – this is nothing to be scared
of – it is Allah (SWT)’s miracle where your
womb is made ready every month to prepare to receive an egg for
fertilization. These changes are coming much earlier in this generation compared
to a few decades ago . Children are maturing much faster than what we can ever
imagine. In previous generations , young girls started menstruating from the age
of 13 years . Today , some girls as young as 9 years are beginning to
menstruate. This means that if you have sex at this age , you can become
pregnant. If you become pregnant at this age , your life will be shattered and
the whole course of your life will be changed. Your dreams , goals and wishes to
pursue a career may have to be postponed or abandoned forever. You must be happy
with your own body ; your body will
undergo various hormonal changes which will lead to emotional changes and mood
fluctuations as well as pimples; this is a time for conflict with everyone and
parents have to restrain themselves and discuss issues with love and
understanding . The main word of caution for you is to avoid the peer pressure
from your friends who
will encourage you to start experimenting with kissing and
sex ; some teenagers can make very hurtful remarks and may make you
feel very isolated if you do
not participate . Don’t listen to them ; you must
have enough confidence in yourself that you are
following the commands laid down by Allah (SWT) and you should simply say
“No, I am not interested.” It will be a decision that you will never regret.
Particularly avoid the ‘older boys” and men . They will shower you
with gifts and flowers and false proclamations of love, but they are simply
throwing out a net to get you into
bed so that you lose your virginity ; they
will then dump you and go to the next
un-suspecting ‘softee” ; you will have lost various personal things
in the process :
You would have lost your virginity
You would have contravened the Quranic injunction
not to fornicate (zinna)
You may well have gained an unwanted pregnancy
(many girls still have the mistaken myth that they cannot fall pregnant after
their first sex
You may have gained a sexually transmitted disease (including HIV/AIDS);
there are no cures for some sexual diseases and you may have them for life , for
example Herpes and genital Warts ; some diseases , if not timeously and properly
treated can lead to infertility (where you may not be able to have children) and
an increased incidence of cancer of the cervix (entrance to the womb)
Advice
to a pre-teen son :
Your body is undergoing various changes that will prepare you
to enter adulthood so that one day you can be a father to your own children. You
will notice changes in your voice , you may develop acne and hair in various
parts of your body. Nocturnal emission is common at this age as well as mood
swings. Your natural body odours will increase so it is important for you to
bath regularly and pay special attention to personal hygiene . Your body will be
growing rapidly and you will need to eat a lot , exercise a lot and sleep a lot
to allow your body to gain maximum physical benefits. You will be encouraged or
ridiculed by some of your friends to have sex with a girl . You should be
confident in your abilities as a free-thinking individual to make your own
choices based on the Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet (SAW). You should treat
all girls and women with respect , kindness and courtesy and not as a commodity
that can be used , abused and thrown aside. You will see lots of advertisements
on TV, Newspapers and magazines that in order to avoid HIV/AIDS you should use a
condom. Remember that this is not what Islam teaches us : Islam says : safe sex
is “no sex before marriage”. Indulge in all activities that will develop
your mind, body and spirit within the framework of Islam. These are wonderful
years that you are going through , free of responsibility (except the homework!)
– try and be the best “you” you can be.
CONCLUSION
Allah (SWT) has given mankind a free will. We all have to make choices in life. However , life offers us a whole banquet of choices and delicacies that sometimes leads to a state of utter confusion or paralysis. What is the right decision ? Who should I please ? What is fashionable ? Will my decision open me to ridicule ? etc . An undecided person is always a victim of circumstance , a pawn in the hands of the fashion trendsetters. The ones at peace are those individuals who use the Holy Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet Mohammed (SAW) as the compass to set the right course and to differentiate right from wrong. There is a lot of good in this wonderful world . However , there are also a lot of temptations. Temptations have to be present as a test for all of us. Ultimately , we are the decision makers. We can only make informed decisions based on knowledge. Many governments are now firmly advocating the policies of “virginity” , “no sex before marriage” , “no adultery” etc in a desperate attempt to re-kindle the value systems of prior generations. The beauty of Islam is that the Instructions and Guidelines contained in the Quran are valid forever and are immune to the vicissitudes of the latest trend. Allah (SWT) Created us . It therefore follows that He Knows what is Best for us. I do hope that this brief discussion has thrown some light on this very vast topic. I also hope that the current generation of teens and pre-teens who are occasionally faced with difficult choices will have a clearer foundation on which to base their decision. Finally , each year , a new crop of pre-teens is developing. It is our collective responsibility as a community and a nation , for adults to give clear guidelines to our youth. Our youth is our future and our destiny. May Allah (SWT), Most Gracious, Worthy of all Praise, in His Infinite Wisdom and Mercy , guide us and our youth to a path that is Straight.
Ameen.
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